When Feeling Jaded

There's a certain drum beat when it comes to training. There are times when we train our hearts out, and there are times where we do nothing at all.

It seems the latter is what I have been spending my time doing; it's true I have been busy, but when you love something you make time for it.

And I guess that's the problem- My heart isn't in it, at least right now.

I know there is a time for work, a time for play, and a time for rest.

But this isn't like that, from what I can tell. And it does bother me. I considered myself foremost a martial artist- and if that is something I no longer have a driving passion in, then who am I?

I'm not giving up- I guess I'm just in limbo until I find what will spark the passion again.

Martial arts has been something I turn to when I'm at my lowest. Even if homeless, even if wandering, even if rich- it's something I always have.

And I check my techniques about once a week- everything is as it should be. I can still do everything I have in the past. But there's no growth, and no attempt at it. I just don't see the point.

So I could do 75 kicks on one leg, different kicks, and with power- so I could do 5-6 punches in a second. So I could fight multiple people and do well, in training and in real life.

What's the point? It's not that someone better than me will come along- they already have, and have always been around. Someone is always better, and that's OK.

I'm what you might consider a 'tough guy', mainly because it's something I've sought after to be. I make efforts to be that way, and so I've found myself in some trying, inspiring, and still stupid situations.

Sooner later I have to grow up- life is not an anime.

I've got a lot of scars from getting into fights with objects, people, and even animals. Part of me takes pride of them, a larger part is weary of them. I hope they heal, they're like tattoos of a cruder sort.

You could be the greatest warrior on Earth, and believe me, I consider myself a warrior- honor and strength, all that. You could beat everyone and everything. Be talked about as a legend for ages to come. So what. Memory fades, people move on. People already are- You might run a school, but you will see it close too. Perhaps you will lock the doors a last time, or perhaps you might die and someone else will.

I've seen Masters retire, I've seen schools become ballet studios, then martial art schools again. After 22 years, I suppose I've seen a lot, and done a lot. I've been every rank you can think of, and while never certified, called a master. A world champion told me once he wouldn't want to get hit my one of my roundhouse kicks.

It's flattering, when you want it to be. But somehow with time it expires and grows dull.

I have a few hopes- if I'm ever mugged or in a robbery again, that I can hold my own.

I hope that if I have children I can pass some of my training onto them, but even that which was once a very important ideal to me, no longer really matters. Maybe my son will be gifted at soccer, or math. Or my daughter will be gifted in ways I cannot fathom now at 26.

Who knows what surprises the future holds.

I'm not quitting martial arts- it's been there for me at my lowest. But in a way I'm putting the gi into storage until I can find a great drive to start again.

That's what we do as martial artists- take 5 steps back to take that 1 step forward that wins the match. We are patient. For now I will practice crafts that I believe every martial artist should have- kindness, writing, enjoying life, and helping others to enjoy their own.

And most of all, if martial arts is the art of being human, than finding and enjoying happiness.

I'll post when the urge strikes ^^.